Short jokes and one-liners

Most of these are old, some will make you laugh, some groan. These have been knocking around for ages so I make no claim over copyright on them. As far as I know they’re in the public domain so do what you want with them.

* What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a pickaxe? _Severely beaten around the head!_
* What’s the difference between a fish and a bicycle? _They can both swim. (Except for the bicycle)_
* What’s the difference between a photocopier and the flu? _One makes facsimiles; the other makes sick families._
* What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy? _One baits his hook, while the other hates his book._
* What’s the difference between Democracy and Feudalism? _With Feudalism, it’s your count that votes!_
* What noise does a baby ghost make? _Boo-hoo, boo-hoo_
* What do you get if you feed a lemon to your cat? _A sour puss!_
* What goes “mmbzzz, mmbzzz” really quietly? _A mumble bee._
* What type of animals tell lies? _Am-fib-ians_
* What question will always be answered “yes”? _What does Y-E-S spell?_
* What’s the only thing worse than finding a maggot in your apple? _Finding half a maggot._
* What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? _A Carrot._
* What do you call a flock of birds who perform stunts in formation? _The red sparrows!_
* What do you call a man with a tree on his head? _Edward (ed-wood)_
* What do you call a man with three trees on his head? _Edward Woodward_
* What do you call a kangaroo in the artic? _Lost_
* What’s yellow and dangerous? _Shark infested custard_
* How do you make a band stand? _Take away their chairs_
* What do you call a fish with an engine? _A motor-pike_
* What goes “Ha ha bump”? _Someone laughing their head off_
* Why is Honey expensive in Brazil? _Because there’s only one B is Brazil_