Doctor, doctor jokes

Every now and then I do a post of jokes. Some of them are good, some corny, some terrible but I think they’re funny. I’ve not done one for a while and I’ve not done one with the old staple of the playground – Doctor, doctor jokes. A recent joke telling session with my children reminded me of this so here you go. I don’t claim to own these jokes and as far as I am aware neither does anyone else. if you think you own one let me know and I’ll either take it down (if you insist) or provide an attribution (preferred).


  • Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a pair of curtains! Pull yourself together.
  • Doctor, Doctor, I’ve swallowed a bone! Are you choking? No, really I did!
  • Doctor, Doctor, there’s a spinning fly following me! Don’t worry it’s just a bug that’s going around.
  • Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards. I’ll deal with you later.
  • Doctor, Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots? I don’t like to make rash promises.
  • Doctor, Doctor, everyone thinks I’m a liar. I find that hard to believe.
  • Doctor, Doctor, how can I cure my sleep walking? Sprinkle these on your bedroom floor. What are they? Drawing pins.
  • Doctor, Doctor, can you give me something for strong wind? How about a kite?
  • Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me! Next please.
  • Doctor, Doctor, I’m stuck in two wig-wams.  That’s intense
  • Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a jeweller! Take this pill and then give me a ring.
  • Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m an electric eel! That’s shocking.
  • Doctor, Doctor, my eyes need testing! They certainly do, this is a chip shop!
  • Doctor, Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running? Stick your foot out and trip it up!
  • Doctor, Doctor, my hands keep shaking! Do you drink a lot? Not really, I keep spilling it!
  • Doctor, Doctor, every time I drink tea my eye hurts. Try taking the teaspoon out of the cup first.

The last few are not strictly Doctor, doctor jokes but they are along the same lines (and I think funny):

A man goes to the Doctor and says “Doctor, I can’t stop breaking wind all the time. It’s not too bad because they’re silent and they don’t smell but I wonder if you could do anything about it?”
The Doctor shouts at him “I think we best fit you for a hearing aid.”
“Really? Will that help?” says the man.
“It will help with your hearing. We can deal with your sense of smell later.” says the Doctor.

An lady storms out of a GP surgery shouting that the young Doctor she saw had just told her she was pregnant.
The senior Doctor visits her Junior colleague and says “Mrs Miller is 84 years old and has been unable to have children for decades. She has seven children and 15 grand-children. Why did you tell her she was pregnant?”
“Does she still have hiccups?” asked the younger Doctor.

and finally…

A man with a burger in his ear goes to see his Doctor. The Doctor takes one look at him and says “Well, clearly the problem is that you’re not eating properly.”

Extra points are awarded if you noticed that this was posted on 14 January 2014 at 1 minute past two in the afternoon – 14/01/14 14:01 (I’m afraid I could define a post time to the second or I’d have done it at 14/01/14 14:01:14