I tend to collect these sorts of one-liners and puns and every now and then I’ll post them here. I claim no ownership on any of these, if you do and you want an acknowledgement just leave a comment.
* The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. talk about Dyson with death…..
* My neighbour started banging on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums
* I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! I presume she was poor, she only had £1.20 in her purse.
* Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he put his finger up my bum! I think I need to change dentists
* Why do penguins jump up and down on a first date? Something to break the ice isn’t it?
* A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop
* A man with a salamander on his shoulder. He says “I’ll a pint for me and half for tiny”, the barman asks “Tiny?”. The man nods towards the salamander and says “He’s my newt”
* A man was sheltering under a tree during a big storm. Nothing happened for ages and then three bus shelters flew past at once.
* Bacon and egg walk into a bar and the barman says “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast”